When you were a child, did your parents or maybe a teacher ever shake their finger in your face declaring sternly “shame on you!”? Perhaps you lied, said a bad word or really messed up somehow. I want to share from my heart with you friend, as a parent and child of God, I know God does not want us to live in shame. Should we feel guilty about poor or even really bad behavior? Of course! But with shame comes trauma and trauma is not helpful for children or adults. Being ashamed of our behavior is natural sometimes, but different from feeling and living in a state of shame.

I know this because I did something really horrible and wrong and frankly embarrassing. As I should, I felt great guilt, but I also let shame overtake me. Shame over a long period of time, ruminating on what I did caused devastating anxiety for me. The cycle of shame and anxiety hit me over and over again as if in a fight with Mike Tyson. I was losing the battle and myself. I could not get clear from the shame or anxiety without the other taking me out.

Why was I feeling so much shame? Well, I had an affair, although brief, it was most certainly wrong in all ways imaginable. The emotional part of the affair, the physical and then of course the lying that comes with that sort of behavior. As soon as I told my husband what I had done, I found myself in a dark place. I am sure you may be thinking that I deserved the horrible feelings I felt and should be focusing on how my husband was coping and I would agree. I will share my husband’s point of view in a later blog post.

My focus for now is to help any wife that has been unfaithful, not live in shame for too long or at all.

According to Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. in “Early Maladaptive Schemas” shame is “The feeling that one is defective, bad, unwanted, inferior or invalid in respects; or that one would be unlovable to significant others if exposed. May involve hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and blame; self-consciousness, comparisons, and insecurity around others; or a sense of shame regarding one’s perceived flaws. These flaws may be private (e.g., selfishness, angry impulses, unacceptable sexual desires) or public (e.g., unattractive physical appearance, social awkwardness).”

Common beliefs of shame based people: 

• I am defective

• I am not good enough

• I am weak

• I am flawed

• I am small

• I deserve criticism

• I deserve disapproval

• I feel embarrassed 

• I deserved to be abandoned

• I am unwanted

I know for me and most people I have spoken to about my own affair and others that have had affairs is that they are not people who deserve to feel unwanted, criticized or flawed. As humans, we are all flawed individuals and my personal beliefs echo this although I realize someone being rude to another person is not the same as me cheating on my husband of 10 years (by the way, we have been married 24 years this year, 2024). There is a chance for you and your life to be redeemed. 

Common responses to shame:

• Paralysis

• Faltering energy

• Escapism

• Withdrawal

• Perfectionism

• Criticism & Blame

• Rage

For me, I felt very depressed, withdrawn from family and friends, I felt the need to escape the horrendous way I felt and I did this by listening to music as I would try to fall asleep or repeating the same Bible verse like 50 times in a row just to block my mind from going back to that dark place. 

My deep shame from having an affair made me emotionally and physically sick. I had insomnia, huge anxiety, and a deep loathing of myself. I did something horrible and felt the full weight of it on me making me feel unworthy and so disappointed in myself. Disappointed isn’t even strong enough for how I felt about my actions.

I used my shame as a tool to shame others, for so many things. When I was hurting and in pain, I would assign shame and blame to others so easily. 

What I learned through reading Brene Brown is the difference between shame and guilt.

Shame says “I am a bad person”. Guilt says “I did something bad”.

I had certainly done something bad, but was I a bad person, like for the rest of my life?

I had lived 35 years on this Earth being a pretty good person before my affair and I wondered if I was still a good person overall. I was not malicious or evil or anything like that. I know reading about what I did, it may be hard to believe, but I knew I was not an evil person. I did something wrong and hurtful for sure and deserved whatever consequences came. Oddly enough, the worst consequences were the ones I assigned myself. Was my husband badly hurt and lost some trust in me, for sure. He also wanted us to work on our marriage and stay married, which I will be forever grateful for and felt so undeserving of that complete love back then.

Although my husband was devastated by my betrayal, he did not want me to hate myself. I was the one that covered myself in the shame blanket over and over again as Brene Brown’s words would twist and turn in my mind. Was I a bad person, or did I make a really really bad mistake? I did a lot of soul searching. I felt horrible for what I did, and as a Christian I was hurting badly for the vows I broke and the pain I caused my husband. But God showed me many times that shame was not what he wanted me to land on in order to heal. We often don’t know the future, but God does. He knew I needed to really work on healing myself if our marriage was going to last the distance. It took us a couple of years to completely get back to a normal routine and feelings, but we eventually did and things have been great.

I needed to recover mentally and emotionally in order to help reconcile my marriage. So my advice to anyone who messes up in a big way, don’t first jump in the deep well of shame. Seek help and guidance from trusted friends and loved ones, the church, professional counselors and even authors such as Brene Brown. 

You did something bad, you are not a bad person. Remember that!